Autumn Montage

by Ek Ong Kaar Kaur Khalsa (ekongkaar.blogspot.com)

Lately, I find myself at a loss for words.

It is this inner-turning, this place inside that wonders why speak at all. As if it’s been an act all these years. Writing. Having a voice. Trying to find something to say. To feel that creative power – but maybe – to feel it for all the wrong reasons.

It isn’t that I’m old. But death seems to be hanging around a lot these days. Nothing sinister or frightening. Just visiting – like an old friend. An autumn shadow in the midst of brilliant blue skies, sun-golden leaves – with a slight chill on the breeze. Reminding me to not forget how temporary it all is.

We only accomplish a few things in this life, really. Maybe if we’re lucky we learn a few lessons. Perhaps – we touch a few hearts. And no matter what we collect along the way – friends, enemies, awards, insults, a tiny cottage, a gold and diamond ring- at some point, there is a shadowed angel that comes along and taps us on the shoulder. It’s time to go.

And the soul leaves it all behind, like a child leaving school for the summer holidays. Joyful, expectant, the burden of books and learning abandoned in the school yard. We learned it, or not. We passed, or failed, or something in between. Whatever the experience is or was – our time here in human form is so very very finite. And one day, we will move on.

Perhaps what I’m feeling inside these days is partly the death of ambition. When I was younger – I used to dream all these dreams about my life. And now I am experiencing a kind of twilight of the ego – where I can look back, remember the dreams, see what actually happened and smile. Looking ahead to the next 30-40 years of my life, I realize that there are no more dreams left. Whatever has happened in my life – has happened. And I am grateful for all that I’ve experienced, for all that I’ve learned. Whatever fruits are on this vine of mine will ripen slowly. If I can spend the rest of my life loving my friends, writing when the spirit moves me, studying the Guru, meditating, practicing, eating, sleeping, taking care of my home, seeing a bit of the world from time to time – well – that’s enough for one life. Isn’t it?

Several months ago, a friend of mine called and told me he’d decided to remove my blog from his bookmarks. Why? I asked. Because you never write anything – he told me. Blogs are for people who write every day. Or every few days.

Not someone who writes every few months.

I guess I am behind the times.

But you know – if I spend the time writing, and you spend the time reading, I would rather it is a meaningful experience for both of us.

You can forget me for a while. And then we’ll meet again – when it’s time. When there’s something to say that really matters.

Or you can visit the old posts, the old words – and just be with me in silence. Because real love doesn’t need any words. Whether we’ve met or not. Whether we’ll ever meet. Between hearts. Between souls. Real Love is Wordless. Real Love is Deathless.

So perhaps along with my old friend death, I am remembering my true friend, Love. The friend that makes death so easy to endure.

We are all of us in this together – for all eternity. No matter what shape we take. No matter what world or form or relationships we find ourselves in. We are all in this together. We keep going, keep evolving, keep growing – reinventing ourselves, trying something new, leaving behind what was. And the experience of death is part of that. But we never leave behind the Love. From lifetime to lifetime, that Love is a power through which we will find each other – over and over and over again. Forever.

Items on Ek Ong Kaar Kaur’s To Do List for the Winter:
1. Learn how to prune rose bushes – so I can take proper care of the two old rose bushes outside my kitchen window.
2. Get rid of the tumble weeds around the house.
3. Plan a garden for the spring. What flowers and herbs to plant?
4. Pray for snow.
5. Have lots of tea/movie nights at my house with my friends.
6. Keep translating/writing/studying/teaching/practicing – all those spiritual things that seem to be the axle that turns the wheel of my life.
7. Keep warm.

All Love in the Divine,
Ek Ong Kaar Kaur

4 Responses to “Autumn Montage”

1. Gurumustuk Singh says:

   November 21, 2006 at 9:55 am

   Thank you again for sharing Ek Ong Kaar! It’s always interesting reading about your thoughts and experiences.

   Regarding dreams…in my life I have gone through a period for many years where I didn’t feel excited and felt like my "good ‘ol" creativity wasn’t there anymore like it used to when I was younger. For me that was just a phase.

   I think we all go through up and downs in the course of our life. I am sure you will find more dreams and excitement as time passes. :)

   Ps. Welcome back from your Singapore trip!

2. Prabhu Singh says:

   November 21, 2006 at 12:39 pm

   Ek Ong Kaar Kaur Ji, I can totally relate to what you’re saying. I figured by this age I’d be married with children and maybe a few million in the bank, ready to start my life of pure seva! Having yet to achieve that, sometimes I think I won’t achieve it, but then I just think, why not? I wanted this my whole life. Why shouldn’t the universe align with my goal of a life dedicated to seva? Why shouldn’t I be so prosperous that I can spend my life sharing? I just need to relax, let the hand of God work through me :-) (Sound familiar?)
   “So please take away the ghost of your life and stop chasing around. Consolidate. Concentrate. Be you. And may all the peace & peaceful environments, prosperity approach you forever.”
   What speaks to me in this quote is “BE YOU.” Shouldn’t I be true to myself and alow me to be, without pressuring myself for that which I have yet to accomplish?
   Also I realized when we began our S.E.V.A. group that I was beginning work on part of my dream and that you have to start small and you don’t have to do anything alone. With the sangat’s help I hope to see SEVA just grow and grow and grow.
   Ultimately I only wish to leave this planet better than I found it. Creating a legacy without my name attached. By Guru’s grace I wish only to live to the model of a sant sipahi. WaheGuru Ji Ka Khalsa, WaheGuru Ji Ki Fateh!

3. Kiran says:

   November 22, 2006 at 5:03 am

   Hi Ek Onakaar, How do?

   Just wanted to say not to worry and that everything will hopefully be ok. On another note, maybe your feeling like this because you just need to find something to new to embark on, this turn will give you new hopes and dreams to look forward to….Do something useful and to some degree…world changing and be bold about it too.

   ok thats enough from me, take care

   Lots of pyar

   Kiran

   P.S its cold in London this morning, its a mere 10* outside and me is still cold!!!:)

4. Prabhjot says:

   November 22, 2006 at 2:27 pm

   Satnam ji,

   I have been reading your blogs for a while and it is really interesting. It sometimes feels you are nearing the stage of being ‘zero’ or ‘shunya’ as we call in Sanskrit. There is feeling of ‘stillness’ in your writings. You are really blessed!