MARRIAGE – My Advice and Experiences
Shakti Parwha Kaur is writing a book about marriage and is collecting info from married people. She had lots of women who wrote material, but nothing from men, so I decided to take a stab at listing my advice and experiences to having a successfull marriage (in up to 700 words).
I have been married for 6 years and feel very lucky to have a wonderful marriage. It’s definitely not a piece of cake though. It really does take both people being committed and willing to work with each other no matter what comes up. For me marriage provides mutual support, stability and companionship. Being married is like a spiritual path, which teaches you many lessons and allows you to challenge each other to work on yourself and be a better person.
I look at a person’s life as having different levels of challenge/mastery, which are like Karate belts
- White belt – Single Person
- Brown belt – Married
- Black belt – Married with Children
Being married with Children is the ultimate level with many challenges and tests to learn from (along with the many joys that come along with this).
Here are some key areas that have been keys to my successful marriage:
Communication
For my wife and me communication has been the KEY. You really have to talk to each other and listen to what the other person is saying. Acknowledge their feelings and make sure they feel that you understand them. Marriage is a partnership; it’s not all about you.
Acknowledgement
I see many wives who do so much to take care of their husbands, children, the household, as well as work a full time job. In many of the cases the wives are frustrated and overwhelmed. It is so important to help each other out and not be lazy. The biggest thing you can do is to at least take the time to appreciate your spouse. If you do this they will love you even more, and feel really good about doing those things. When you don’t show appreciation or help out, resentment can come in and feelings of not being supported. Every time my wife makes me a meal or does something for me I thank her and make sure I tell her how delicious the food was. She loves to cook for me because she knows it means a lot to me and she gets well appreciated.
Finances
I used to deal with all the finances in our household, but the problem was my wife had no concept of how much money we had, and how easy it was spent. Women love to buy things. Even more than guys like electronics. I know many people’s wives that spend the money as fast as they make it. The key I have found is to make the woman of the house responsible for the finances so that she relates to the money. This turned our finances from just making it by every month to saving a lot of money.
Arguments
If you have an argument or fight, don’t run off or leave things unfinished. You need to get closure and work things out. It’s ok to take a few minutes to think about things or cool down, but you don’t want to slam the door and take off in an angry burst. Feelings of anger and frustration will just grow and grow till it ruins your marriage. Don’t bottle things up, talk about it and work something out.
Compromise and Change
Couples have different things in their household life which are important, but in most cases they are small things. Things like cleaning up after your self, putting the toilet seat down, arranging the house in a certain way. Don’t resist change on these small things. I have found that if I just adapt and do the small things that are important to her it makes a huge difference. Then when there are things that are important to me I let her know and she adapts and changes to my needs. It is a give and take.
Romance
We live in a busy fast moving age. You come home, eat dinner, maybe watch TV and then go to sleep. It is too easy to loose the romance that is such a binding force for a marriage. As a guy I know it is hard to do the romantic stuff, but women NEED this. If you don’t take the time to do fun things, surprise her, do things which make her feel loved and appreciated, you’ll be in trouble. I used to give excuses about many of the holidays being so commercial and not wanting to buy into it. My wife let me get away with it for a while. The problemdidn’t that I didn’t do much in place of those holidays. In the end she sdidn’tthat she didn’t care if they were commercial holidays, and that she expected flowers, cards, gifts, surprises.
These were just some things. There is so much more. Marriage is such a beautiful and fulfilling thing. Enjoy it! Learn from it!
Ps. I know all these things will vary depending on your relationship and cultural differences, so take the advice as one person’s experience and not “THE” solution to a happy marriage.
10 Responses to “MARRIAGE – My Advice and Experiences”
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How about this from the men:
No knowledge without college, no life without a wife!
The night before my wedding, my father told me this joke………. ‘Son do you know about the three rings to a marriage’ to which I replied ‘I know of two and they are engagement ring and wedding ring, what’s the third’? He smiled at me, looked over at my mother and whispered SUFFERING (LOL)
Nice one Gurinder Ji…..Its indeed quite funny n hilarious. Gurumustak Ji…thanks a ton for the “Advice and sharing your experinces”, Im sure this is definately gonna help me….cos Im still single (Not all men r fools some are bachelor’s LOLz heheheh No offence just a joke) and Im visitng India early August to look for a mate. My parents are after my life to get settled.
I have also learnt quite a few things and always consider my parents as an Ideal couple.
Thru out their lives as married couple, thay have been a firm believer of supporting each other in their respective decision that they take and my dad always co-relate this phenomenon with Gurbani Tuk which goes like “EK NE KAHI DOOSRE NE MAANI- NANAK KAHE DONO GYANNI” and it has actully worked perfectly for them in 37 years of their marriage.
Waheguru Bless us all!!
Fateh
Singh from Joburg!
Yes! you need to treat her/him like a princess/prince and not just say but do things to treat her/him with love, honour and respect
Sadly I fell at the first hurdle a very long time ago. Perhaps I was not ready for the first belt. But of course as passage of time so often teaches you ‘if I knew then what I know now’ I too would be proud owner of a Black Belt by now.
The simple advice I can give as a man is listen to your wife and do as asked. She will have the last word so why indulge in lengthy arguments and waste time and effort in discussions that will only get more involved and complex and often lead to issues you thought had long been resloved or forgotten.
My long departted father was a great exponent of the art of listening to woman and I remember many a time him sitting and listening and nodding agreement to my mother from everything from what food to buy for the house to who my eldest brother should marry. He knew precisely when to listen and when to assert his views and the two never ocuured at the same time. He was a master of judging my mothers mood both good and bad and he dealt with the situation acoordingly. And this level of understanding can only come with time and lots of patience. Its an art of communication that is largely unpracticed in the modern world, in which we expect instant results through debating and often arguing there and then. Steping back , assessing the situation, formulating a plan of action and perfect execution of that plan are just some of the keys to a successful relationship. This principal can be applied in any type of relationship, be it that of man and wife, two friends, brothers father and son.
Marriage like any relationship will ultimately only work if both parties are committed and prepared to travel the long road together despite the many obstacles and self doubts.If successful its a partnership second only to the Guru and his disciple.
Chardi kala.
Parminder Singh
Parminder Singh
First, I enjoy reading your blog and especially enjoy seeing your pictures. Little Narayan is no longer little!
Doesn’t look like you’ve had any comments from a female yet, so here goes. While you strive for equality of the sexes (and you seem very sincere about it too, btw!), some of your statements have a sexist slant to them. For instance, commenting that women love to spend, so you put your wife in charge of the finances. Uh hello?! Yes, -some- women love to spend money & buy things, but some men do as well. And I can’t let this pass, but when you were doing the finances, you said you were just squeaking by but after your wife took over, you’re now saving money each month. Heh. Sounds to me like your wife should have been doing the books all along. *grin*
You talk also about your wife serving you food that she’s made lovingly for you, to which you always try to compliment her on because you know she does it out of love for you. Well, there wouldn’t be anything wrong with you serving her, would there? And wouldn’t you, in turn, be doing it out of love for her? I’m sure that you probably do, it’s just that the way you worded that made it sound like your wife was doing things to please you.
You’re exactly right, marriage is indeed a partnership; communication is indeed key to a long-lasting relationship. Heh, and add children to the mix … I liked the Black Belt reference!
Good luck to you and Arjun and Narayan.
Eh ta oh ladoo hai jo khave, oh vi pachtave, jo na khave, oh vi pachtave.
But in my view, marriage is a big responsibility which bind you to the world. Without tasting marriage, one is not full. Every great man like Rama, Krishna, Guru Nanak, etc. made marriage and they all had children. So, speaking about marriage is not something which is not spiritual. I want to share one thing boldly, that after doing sex with my partner, I feel so relaxed in my mind that I meditate for sometime.
Hi,
I agree with what the other lady said: you sounded a tad sexist.I don’t agree about the belt system.I am a single person and I have experienced more in life than many married people or people with children.Being a parent is not just putting a child into the world but to raise them.I love this word because it is truly what it is all about to raise a human being up to the light of beauty, truth and understanding. It is not because you are married or married with children that you are more proficient at life.I wish one day I will find my soulmate, I then will be able to share everything I am with that person, all experiences, dreams, goals and all the things I learned from being able to experience the world as a single person with no attachments.Being alone makes one strong, so that when they make the decision to be with someone: it is a decision based on love and not on a need for companionship raised out of loneliness.I really enjoyed your blog otherwise.The pictures of the children are very sweet.Blessings to you and your family.
Thanks for the post Gurumustuk! You have a wonderful family! Coming from Punjabi culture, I feel blessed when I read comments about caste, dowry deaths, NRI cheats who desert their spouses etc. that I don’t have to deal with this garbage since my wife is of non-Punjabi, non-Sikh. I always give her hard time by joking that I didn’t get dowry that I was supposed to get if I would have married within the culture.
On a serious note, at times, I think back in Guru’s times as to what life would have been like for our first four Gurus who lived thru a semi-peace time (I say semi since Guru Nanak was imprisoned by Emperor Babur also) compared to those living during war like tyrannnical times (Guru Hargobind, Guru Har Rai, Guru Teg Bahadur and Guru Gobind Singh Sahib). I think of the families and children during those times and compare to my and other’s lives today. I think Waheguru has blessed the Sikhs today for living thru peaceful times and I pray that it stay this way forever! I just hope we don’t become too lazy or over confident or egotistical about our abilities, accomplishments, Sikh pride that we forget the sacrifices made by Khalsa families before us so we could live the lives we are living today and continue to live! I wish and pray for a peaceful Khalsa Raj one day so all Sikh generations of the future can live a peaceful life and don’t have to struggle and fight in battlefields or courts for maintaining their faith, peace, dignity, happiness, love and respect for the Guru.
Think like man in a relationship, and the the kitchen pot will eventually by thrown at you! men analyze, come with pro's and con's and turn a marriage into a business like arrangement.I say to my fellow brothers, throw away your intellect and jump into your heart. Remember when you first met your wife..how passionate you were and how easy it was to communicate..and did she not respond to you. But now, you have moved from your heart to your mind. Your fears now rule you.
continued…You cannot even look your wife in her eyes and let her melt away. You are no longer giving her the gift that you were meant to give. I say go back into your heart. As if you only have one more month to live, and now is the only chance you'll ever have to access the love that is within you and offer that gift to your wife. Your mission in this life is to find the love within you and give it freely and with abundance. This gift is the only thing that will open you wife up and fulfill her.